Chad Filley
Guest Columnist
Over the years I had heard rumblings of this mythical woman who journeyed through Minnesota with her two giant white hounds picking up after them each time they relieved themselves. Additionally, the lore paints this woman as a sort of modern-day Johnny Appleseed who goes around picking up dung left by other people’s dogs too. Having walked in many parks, trails, and neighborhoods checkered with doggy droppings, I figured this woman is nothing more than an urban legend. Then I met Jane.
Shortly into our courtship Jane asked me to go on a dog walk with her and her two white Malamutes. Soon into the walk, Kalvin (who is slightly larger than Clifford the Big Red Dog), stopped to poop and to my shock Jane reached into her jacket pocket, grabbed a plastic grocery bag, and scooped up the pile. She must have noticed my disgust or maybe it was the fact that yelled “Yuck,” but either way, she knew
I was disgusted.
I hadn’t been this grossed out since my youngest son, Isaiah, was three-years-old and he threw up after eating some summer sausage.
Fortunately his mother cleaned that mess up because if it would have been up to me I would have sold the house for $1 … as is.
“Wouldn’t it be better to pick it up with a pooper scooper?” I asked.
“No, then you’d have to carry that along with you,” she explained.
I couldn’t help but think it would be better to carry along a tool that would make me look somewhat like the Transformer Optimus Prime rather than carry a bag on my hand and look like a doo-doo covered version of the Hamburger Helper glove.
Do people really do this? You don’t see it happening in the movies. I’ve never once seen Hans Solo following Chewbacca around with an arm sleeve and a hefty bag.
“Chewie, this is the last time I let you order a seven-layered burrito!”
Of course, we know this isn’t realistic because I’m pretty sure Chewbacca uses a litter box.
Jane then explained that if we were ever to get serious then I would have to pick up the dog’s poop because it’s irresponsible not to.
It was then that the words to the Meatloaf song ran through my head, “I would do anything for love, but I won’t do that.” It was at that moment that I swore I would never do that.
Well, three months later I was walking around the neighborhood with my stash of plastic bags “being responsible.” I had never noticed until then how many people just think it’s okay to let their dogs litter someone else’s yard, a park where kids play or the sidewalks. I had changed my mind and become a responsible dog owner.
This didn’t end the problems. What are you to do with the full bag dung when you are blocks from home? This question has generated a media discussion throughout the Twin Cities and the surrounding suburbs. The debate is whether it is okay to throw a bag of dog poo into someone else’s garbage can. Many people think it is acceptable, while many others don’t. While visiting my son in Fargo I actually saw a woman take a bag full of dog waste out of her garbage can and throw it onto her lawn. Wouldn’t it make more sense to leave it in the can?
Some people would rather have the poop bags put into their garbage than a fresh pile left in their boulevard. While others go full Clint Eastwood aka Walt Kowalsky from Gran Torino. “Get that out of my garbage.”
All I know is I am one of the converted. I would rather pick up after my dogs than leave a mess for someone else to step in. Hopefully after reading this some others will feel this way, too.
– Chad Filley is a local comedian. More information on his events can be found at www.chadfilley.com.